I wish I didn't hurt like this, but I do. I wish I wasn't broken, but I am. I wish he loved me, but he doesn't. I wish he had been holding me on New Year's, but he wasn't. I wish he had chosen his wife and kids, but he opted for her. I wish I could say, without a doubt, I'm going to make it, that I'm going to be okay, but honestly at this moment of weakness, I can't
Earlier I was strong and filled with bravado. It has since waned. Earlier I was sure, confident and almost flirty. Now, I cry alone in my room cuddling my baby boy who has cried himself to sleep with the new knowledge that his family is broken and probably headed for divorce.
How does one do that? Just throw it all away? Just not come home to your wife and kids on New Year's Eve? Discard the people in your life who have always loved and supported you easier than you do your empty beer cans? Perhaps I could understand had things not felt amazing, but I truly believed it was. I've been gamed...and I've lost. Still how do you throw away everything on a woman who is content in being nothing more than a woman who would knowingly, willingly sleep with another woman's husband and gleefully wreck their home? How can I love someone who is so sorry? How can he love someone so trashy? And how can either of them like what they see in the mirror, knowing what they are? I suppose only they and God, and of course Satan, who's hands are all over this!, will know those answers. I realize that perhaps those are things I'll never know or understand. That realization, though doesn't make my hurt any less real.
Wish I wasn't so bitter, angry and resentful, but I am. I'd like to be a better person, but today I really wish them well as they rot in hell! Hey! What can I say? I am human, after all, and I admit fully to finding solace in the knowledge that Karma is a total bitch.....you reap what you sew.....what goes around comes around.....and we all know that eventually life is going to deal them both their come uppance. Hmmmm....Sorry! Hope it hurts......
I've heard it all my life, but I never knew that you could actually cry so hard, so long, that your eyes can nearly swell shut. Guess I'm learning as he goes.
On the weight loss front, I guess all this pain and angst is having a positive effect. Did you know you could cry off the pounds? Obviously you can because I am currently down to 183.6 pounds. That's 6.8 lbs. since Thursday--New Year's Eve! Woo-hoo!! Of course, in fairness it's probably a combination of getting off the coca cola's, doing the candida cleanse, and the stress. Whatever it was, I'll take it. The sooner it's gone and I reach goal, the better. If I can get some off before the protocol, the more satisfied I'm going to be.
Seriously, think about it! If I lose ten to fifteen pounds before beginning the program and then just lose a minimum twenty pounds during the first phase, that puts me half way to goal. I'm going to be where I want to be by swimsuit weather in Texas!
It's on like Donkey Kong! ~ Just bring it!
While I am doing this for me.....it was a journey began BEFORE they tore my world apart.....I won't deny for a second, that the knowledge that he's going to think damn it and eat his heart out......makes me feel all giddy inside!
In the words of "Super Stah" Garth Brooks......
"She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will"