Sunday, January 3, 2010

3:42 A.M.

I wish I didn't hurt like this, but I do. I wish I wasn't broken, but I am. I wish he loved me, but he doesn't. I wish he had been holding me on New Year's, but he wasn't. I wish he had chosen his wife and kids, but he opted for her. I wish I could say, without a doubt, I'm going to make it, that I'm going to be okay, but honestly at this moment of weakness, I can't

Earlier I was strong and filled with bravado. It has since waned. Earlier I was sure, confident and almost flirty. Now, I cry alone in my room cuddling my baby boy who has cried himself to sleep with the new knowledge that his family is broken and probably headed for divorce.

How does one do that? Just throw it all away? Just not come home to your wife and kids on New Year's Eve? Discard the people in your life who have always loved and supported you easier than you do your empty beer cans? Perhaps I could understand had things not felt amazing, but I truly believed it was. I've been gamed...and I've lost. Still how do you throw away everything on a woman who is content in being nothing more than a woman who would knowingly, willingly sleep with another woman's husband and gleefully wreck their home? How can I love someone who is so sorry? How can he love someone so trashy? And how can either of them like what they see in the mirror, knowing what they are? I suppose only they and God, and of course Satan, who's hands are all over this!, will know those answers. I realize that perhaps those are things I'll never know or understand. That realization, though doesn't make my hurt any less real.

Wish I wasn't so bitter, angry and resentful, but I am. I'd like to be a better person, but today I really wish them well as they rot in hell! Hey! What can I say? I am human, after all, and I admit fully to finding solace in the knowledge that Karma is a total reap what you sew.....what goes around comes around.....and we all know that eventually life is going to deal them both their come uppance. Hmmmm....Sorry! Hope it hurts......

I've heard it all my life, but I never knew that you could actually cry so hard, so long, that your eyes can nearly swell shut. Guess I'm learning as he goes.

On the weight loss front, I guess all this pain and angst is having a positive effect. Did you know you could cry off the pounds? Obviously you can because I am currently down to 183.6 pounds. That's 6.8 lbs. since Thursday--New Year's Eve! Woo-hoo!! Of course, in fairness it's probably a combination of getting off the coca cola's, doing the candida cleanse, and the stress. Whatever it was, I'll take it. The sooner it's gone and I reach goal, the better. If I can get some off before the protocol, the more satisfied I'm going to be.

Seriously, think about it! If I lose ten to fifteen pounds before beginning the program and then just lose a minimum twenty pounds during the first phase, that puts me half way to goal. I'm going to be where I want to be by swimsuit weather in Texas!

It's on like Donkey Kong! ~ Just bring it!

While I am doing this for was a journey began BEFORE they tore my world apart.....I won't deny for a second, that the knowledge that he's going to think damn it and eat his heart out......makes me feel all giddy inside!

In the words of "Super Stah" Garth Brooks......

"She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will"


  1. Oh, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through right now but my heart just breaks reading your words.
    This will be your year. You deserve better than that and you are taking the bull by the horns!

    You can do this!

  2. Well do have a lot on your plate right now, don't you?! And the sad part is that it sounds like Mr. Buttface was your server.

    I don't know what to tell you. 'cept to keep trying to be the best you can be and try and keep an eye out so that you can get some satisfaction when he does run into his "come uppance."

    Thanks for stoppin by the blog...we're in this weight loss thing together!

  3. I'm so sorry for your pain. I, too, got left (last year) on New Year's Eve. Your husband can't see anything right now but his own selfish desire. In order to do what he did to you and your family, he has to ignore your hurt, he has to cut himself off from sympathy and empathy. The part of your post that went most to my heart was when you questioned how he could do this, and how you could love someone so sorry.

    He's not in his right mind right now, dear one. His brain and body are flooded with powerful hormones and chemicals that tell him to sacrifice everything for the new lust in his life. I'm not saying that to excuse him, but he has a truly tragic lack of self-knowledge. What happens in 4 or 5 years when those chemicals start to disappear with this new woman? He'll most likely cheat on her, trying to chase the magic again. A man who does that proves that he doesn't understand what love is. Instead, he's confusing lust and love.

    I understand the shock, the hurt, the humiliation, and the anger. You are allowed to have moments of weakness. Your life has been turned topsy-turvy. It is natural and normal that you'd be flooded with emotions, most negative.

    My marital dramas served as a huge impetus to start my journey to greater health and fitness. When your world absolutely falls apart, you seize upon any little thing you can find to keep you going. In my case, it was Mahalia Jackson and walking, miles and miles of walking. God and my own better nature soon reminded me that my self-worth doesn't derive from any man, even one I loved so completely.

  4. Pray to be able to let go of the bitterness you mention, not for his sake, but for yours and for your children. Don't even let it take root in your heart -- pluck it out immediately. Easier said than done, I know. Still, take it from someone who's been there -- that way lies madness ... and likely, continual legal battles, since you have children. Bitterness will only hurt you and your children, in the long run.

    It's early on in this process for you. Hopefully, you'll come to this realization -- that the best way to get some of your own back is to find your strength and to take the high road, no matter what he dishes out to you. It will perplex him and shame him, even if he doesn't admit it. It will make him quickly see that to you, the sun will go on rising and setting, no matter if he isn't there. It will also likely make him question whether he did the right thing by leaving. I'm not Christian, but that realization (about responding to injury with love) came to me because I remembered some very wise words from the Bible. Romans 12:17-21 and Matthew 10:16, in particular.

    I'm not saying that you should be a doormat. You should stand up for yourself and your children. Still, giving into bitterness has several negative consequences:

    Bitterness will keep you from seeing what good there still is in your life ... and there is much that is still good.

    Bitterness will just justify his actions to him. Far better to shame him by responding with love! (This really, really worked for me).

    Bitterness keeps you from moving forward in your own life. It gives him far too much power over you and your happiness.

    If things don't work out between you, then bitterness will alienate you from other people, from people who want to love you and be there for you. Until you forgive, you will not truly be able to love another man.

    That Bible verse about responding mildly when someone injures you is so, so wise! Sometimes, that mild response will make someone stop and think about what they're doing. Acting in this way will make it impossible for him to say or believe that you don't love him or that he has ANY justification for his behavior. Acting mildly may not make him come back, but he'll start his new life with an uneasy feeling -- guilt ... and he SHOULD feel guilty. He's doing what he's doing largely out of ego; showing him that you'll be okay early on will shake that ego and sow the seeds of doubt in his mind. "Did I do the right thing," he'll begin to wonder, even if at first it's on a subconscious level.

    Of course, this will only work if the love you display is genuine. Any gamesplaying will make your effort ring with insincerity, which all but the most block-headed of people can pick up on, on some level, anyway.

    Again, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. We are here for you when you need to vent. I hope that I haven't spoken out of turn by offering advice. After all, I don't know either of you. Please understand that I only speak from the best of intentions and because of my own struggles.

  5. Thank you all sooo much! Especially you Christy! Wisdom is richly desired right now from those who've walked a few zillion miles in my shoes!