Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Rawking It

I'm working on me...I can't fix him. Despite my hurt and anger I have realized I do love him and if we are able to salvage our marriage, I really didn't sign on to give up in divorce court. It goes against everything I believe in. That said though, it's all dependent on how much he's willing to put into us....and right now it isn't much. I'm not nailing any doors shut, but I'm not going to lay down and be a doormat either. We'll see how it all plays out.

In the mean time....I'mma gonna rawk this thing! lmao

Got in an hour of cardio today so I'm extremely pumped about that! It sucks living in "the sticks" because the nearest gym is 45 minutes away. Luckily, I have some awesome friends who are going to come this weekend and help me set up my melee of equipment here so I can get in my strength training too! Until then, it's me hitting the pavement and working it with the Wii far it's working!

According to the Wii fit calculations, since New Years Eve, I am down 8.62 lbs and my Wii fit age has decreased by four years already!

Oh yea! Did I mention that I'm so gonna be a hottie? ha ha

Monday, January 4, 2010

How is it?

How is it that the ones that are supposed to love and protect us most in life are the ones who can so easily hurt us? How can they take all that power they have over you and wield it like a weapon? I keep racking my brain but have yet to find the answer to those questions. I wish I was stronger and could say without a doubt that my husband has no chance of ever again breaking my heart, but I can't. I don't know what I would say or do were he to walk through my doors tonight. I know I love him and I miss him and I need and I want him. I know that I want to hate him. I know that if we're over I lose not just my husband but also my best friend. I also know that he obviously doesn't esteem me in the same regard or he could have never destroyed us like this after all we've been through.

I know the very harsh reality that sometimes when you place someone on a pedestal and they fall off, the only thing to get broken is you. That has become my reality.

I'm kooky. My scales have a name. Some days they are my friend and others my worst enemy. Today Bertha was my friend. She registered me in at 182.6 for the day! Not quite a pound down from yesterday, but I'm loving it all the same!

Couldn't quite motivate myself for the Wii Fit today but I did get in about 45 minutes of walking and I stayed off the cokes! And ate Subway Fresh Fit Meals minus the milk....not too shabby. Kind of impressed with myself. I guess it's the drama and stress surrounding me, but so far staying on track has been easier this go round than ever before.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

3:42 A.M.

I wish I didn't hurt like this, but I do. I wish I wasn't broken, but I am. I wish he loved me, but he doesn't. I wish he had been holding me on New Year's, but he wasn't. I wish he had chosen his wife and kids, but he opted for her. I wish I could say, without a doubt, I'm going to make it, that I'm going to be okay, but honestly at this moment of weakness, I can't

Earlier I was strong and filled with bravado. It has since waned. Earlier I was sure, confident and almost flirty. Now, I cry alone in my room cuddling my baby boy who has cried himself to sleep with the new knowledge that his family is broken and probably headed for divorce.

How does one do that? Just throw it all away? Just not come home to your wife and kids on New Year's Eve? Discard the people in your life who have always loved and supported you easier than you do your empty beer cans? Perhaps I could understand had things not felt amazing, but I truly believed it was. I've been gamed...and I've lost. Still how do you throw away everything on a woman who is content in being nothing more than a woman who would knowingly, willingly sleep with another woman's husband and gleefully wreck their home? How can I love someone who is so sorry? How can he love someone so trashy? And how can either of them like what they see in the mirror, knowing what they are? I suppose only they and God, and of course Satan, who's hands are all over this!, will know those answers. I realize that perhaps those are things I'll never know or understand. That realization, though doesn't make my hurt any less real.

Wish I wasn't so bitter, angry and resentful, but I am. I'd like to be a better person, but today I really wish them well as they rot in hell! Hey! What can I say? I am human, after all, and I admit fully to finding solace in the knowledge that Karma is a total reap what you sew.....what goes around comes around.....and we all know that eventually life is going to deal them both their come uppance. Hmmmm....Sorry! Hope it hurts......

I've heard it all my life, but I never knew that you could actually cry so hard, so long, that your eyes can nearly swell shut. Guess I'm learning as he goes.

On the weight loss front, I guess all this pain and angst is having a positive effect. Did you know you could cry off the pounds? Obviously you can because I am currently down to 183.6 pounds. That's 6.8 lbs. since Thursday--New Year's Eve! Woo-hoo!! Of course, in fairness it's probably a combination of getting off the coca cola's, doing the candida cleanse, and the stress. Whatever it was, I'll take it. The sooner it's gone and I reach goal, the better. If I can get some off before the protocol, the more satisfied I'm going to be.

Seriously, think about it! If I lose ten to fifteen pounds before beginning the program and then just lose a minimum twenty pounds during the first phase, that puts me half way to goal. I'm going to be where I want to be by swimsuit weather in Texas!

It's on like Donkey Kong! ~ Just bring it!

While I am doing this for was a journey began BEFORE they tore my world apart.....I won't deny for a second, that the knowledge that he's going to think damn it and eat his heart out......makes me feel all giddy inside!

In the words of "Super Stah" Garth Brooks......

"She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will"

Friday, January 1, 2010

Out With the Old, In With the New

New year, new day, new me. Today I began the daunting task of getting on with the rest of my life...with getting on with the getting on...and off for that matter....

The old year neither ended nor the new year started, as I had hoped, dreamed and prayed it would, but it is what it is. I don't know what is going to happen in my world tomorrow, let alone at this time next year. What I do know is that I can't fix anyone else and I'm not responsible for what is broken within them, so rather that poke and prod at things I can't control, I'm getting down to the business of getting me right and losing a third of myself in the process.....more motivated than ever before.

I checked into the HCG protocol through Dr. Shuler and have decided to give it a go. However, money's a little tight around here today, so it'll be the 7th before I can have my initial blood work done. Not wanting to park the "fat to Phat" train in the station for another day out of my life, I've opted to be proactive.

For breakfast I had a low cal protein shake and another for lunch-not because I was hungry (stress kills my appetite!) but because I know I have to at least trick my body into thinking it's being fueled. That brings my calorie count for today to a whopping 220 so far.

On the stove I've got a pot of Black Eyed Peas simmering with a ham bone saved from Christmas and a crockpot of cabbage soup, consisting of cabbage, fresh venison pan sausage, bell peppers, onions, garlic and Rotel tomatoes---Spicy!!!!!! This'll be my dinner 'cause Lord knows, I'm going to need all the luck and money I can get this year! :-)

Oh!!!!!!!! I also started a Candida cleanse this morning as well----because well, er, I find myself baking bread more often than not, if ya know what what I mean! So.... no more Coca Cola for this addict! Ugh! Just waiting on the withdrawals as I try to kick my case a day habit. Say prayers for my family as they try to deal with me! LOL

This cleanse means no starches or sugars for the next fourteen to thiry favorite things...GONE!!! I've also got more cleanses being shipped my way so I'm sure it's gonna get even more lovely around my place! The good part though, is that by starting them now and not being able to have my blood work done until the 7th, I should just about be finished with the whole cleansing process by the time I'm approved for the protocol and the pharmacy shipment of my HCG arrives, so I'll be able to hit it running. upon arrival. Also, it was explained to me that by performing the cleanses before hand I should expect to see an added ten to fifteen pound weight loss boost. I'll take all that kind of good stuff I can get!

So.....I'm sipping on my Truvia tea, infused with fresh lemon and smelling the aromas wafting from my kitchen and far so good.....I think I can this time....I think I can.....I know I can.....

Now off to figure out that Wii fit contraption I got for a Christmas present......